School Time!

Last night's dream was simple enough, and reminded me of how I used to be in High School. I know I should have pushed it out of my mind rather than thought further on it, but I couldn't stop myself.

It's too much like a personal warning.

So, here's my dream:

In the dream, I was going to school. I didn't seem to be younger again or anything, I was still 25 and still a part of everything that I have today (hubby, kids, etc.) and I'm not entirely sure what "grade" I was in... or if it was supposed to be at a college level... All I know is, it was school. I know it had at least two classes, too. Though I still can't be sure exactly what those classes were.

Anyways... so it starts out with me going to this school. I'm in class, and the teacher is talking and explaining out something... I believe it was near the end of the class, since what he/she seemed to be explaining was how to do the homework. I've always hated homework most days, mainly because it seemed useless (in my case at least, I understand there are people who needed it just to make sure they really did know what they were doing) and very rarely did I actually do my homework on time or even by myself ("sharing" was a normal thing on the bus ride to school). So naturally in a dream, I wasn't concentrating on the homework at all. I grabbed a bundle of homework supplies that I would need to complete it, shoved it in my backpack, and went to the next class.

The next class was much the same, except this one had a substitute teacher. He/she (I wasn't sure on either teacher if they were men or women) was explaining something we were supposed to write or think on for homework. I know it wasn't just something to think about because we WERE expected to turn in some sort of paper the next day. But it was also supposed to require quite a bit of thinking.

I took the bus home, just barely remembering to grab my backpack before getting off. But then I went about my normal life, as if school didn't even exist. The next morning, hubby's alarm went off and I remembered that I was supposed to turn in my non-existent homework that day. As usual, procrastination kicked me into overdrive and before I even got dressed for the day, I snatched up my backpack and pulled out every paper and bag--I didn't even know what the work was supposed to be!

Here's where it gets a bit creepy, and please excuse this part here, it's no reflection of anything that actually goes on in my conscious mind; I pulled out a handful of plastic bags, with handles that were meant to be separated and tied together. The image on the bag was instructions for how to put it on an animal's head and tie it tightly about their neck. I imagine this was directions for how to properly suffocate and then decapitate a creature. Once again this is nothing that would EVER go through my head in the real world and it shocked me both in and out of the dream. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with that bag, so I tossed it to the side for now and went to pull out paper and a pencil for the other assignment.

Until I looked at the clock. It was already three minutes until the half hour, and the bus would be arriving soon! I quickly got dressed and scooped up any homework-related items and shoved them all into my backpack, just to make sure I had them when I got to school. I could always get the work done at some point, I just had to make sure I was on that bus, otherwise it'd all be pointless.

I was worried though, because I never did my homework and I knew that this time, THIS time, would be different. This time would have some serious repercussions, and none of the teachers expected me to turn anything in anyways. I was disappointed in myself and was I hated the most was that during the overnight hours before falling asleep, the homework had run through my head, I had though of it and I had planned to do it, but just never got around to it. =(

Hubby's alarm went off in real life at this point and I snapped awake.

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Now, here's what I think of all this. I believe that this dream was referring to the book I'm currently writing. Or at least, attempting to write. I've never written a book before... I have a good idea as to how, since I've read enough books to grasp the general concept, and when I was younger I did write 15 pages front and back of a story that I swore would be a book one day... but losing that notebook was a crushing blow to those dreams. To THESE dreams. My greatest hope is that one day I will have this trilogy in my head published--not just published but sold in a major bookstore, like Borders or Barnes and Noble--so that the whole world can experience this universe inside my head. So other people can meet the Great Dragon King as well and go on adventures with him.

But here's my problem. Never in my life have I been this committed to something. Never have I ever put this much effort into something. Never did I imagine that I would be working on turning this dream into a reality. And yet, here I am. Here I am, on this brand new laptop that hubby bought me to help me further my dreams and my amateur career. I don't want to let him down. Just as I don't want to let my teachers down in this dream.

I think this dream was my subconscious's way of expressing all my fears and doubts relating to this gigantic task I've assigned myself.

I want to write this book, but I never seem to have the time. Its expected to be completed at some point and I am afraid that I'm not going to have it done in a timely enough manner to satisfy those people around me who are expecting it.

But my REAL fears...

• I'm afraid I'm going to get writer's block. I'm worried that I'm going to get stuck, and that I'm not going to be able to finish writing this book, let alone this TRILOGY, and I'm terrified that I will have spent all this time for nothing, only to be forced to give up because I lost my drive and my vision.
• I'm afraid I'm going to butcher it. I'm scared that I'm going to be so overcome with my personal fears that I'm going to force myself to write faster than I otherwise would have on my own, and that I'm going to ruin the amazing storyline that I envisioned this would be. I'm afraid that this story is going to get messed up somehow, that halfway through it, the original thought process will be lost and that it's not going to make sense, or that the underlying basis of the story is going to be thrown off track and it's not going to measure out the way it's supposed to.
• I'm afraid that I'm going to spend all this time, all this energy, writing this book, only to not get it published. To find out that no one likes the story, no one wants to publish it, and worse, that no one wants to read it. The idea of putting yourself out there just to be shot down is more terrifying than the idea of not writing it at all.

But you see, I have to write this book. Dream or no dream, fears or no fears, this is what I am going to do with my life. Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to write. This "school" dream of mine was just the push from my subconscious, reminding me that I am, in fact, afraid. But I think I need to have these fears... because they save me from overconfidence, they save me from not thinking, and they save me from myself.