In my dream last night, I found myself torn between two people. Two men who both seemed to want me but who were very different people.
They were both very handsome and kind. On the one hand, I had Mike. He and I ended up in the same apartment somehow and I offered to help with some things, cleaning and such, and after joking and laughing he asked if I was interested in going out. I thought he was extremely handsome and fun and of course I said yes. I feel like 90% of our conversations were perverted or sexual and kept light. Nothing deep, no long conversations. It was nice to feel connected but detached. I felt free. I also felt like it was a waste of time and I was constantly nervous because I didn't feel like he really wanted to be with me, and wasn't sure why he even asked.
At one point we had to take out the trash (it was a lot). We were staying by the beach and we looked over the balcony to see if there was a good place to burn the trash and one of the neighbors looked over at us and commented how he had just burned his trash earlier and pointed out a good place. We went back to the apartment to get it but I said I needed to change first. While I was in the bathroom changing, a stranger came to the door and was teasing me, saying that he knew I was 'having fun' in there because he could see my feet under the door and he knew I wasn't dressed yet. I played it up and took a while longer to get dressed, until the guy had left a few minutes later. Finally, I came out and went to the beach where Mike was. I told him about the guy and we laughed about the joke, about what he had thought I was doing.
When we left the beach and went back inside, friends started coming over. We were having a party. By some miracle, every time he would do something he would ask me to join in. He'd put his arms around me or he'd corner me against a wall and press himself up against me and ask if I wanted a drink or if I wanted to 'make some' (I had no idea what he meant by that but his eyes were seductive and I instantly said yes). At some point though, another guy came up to me.
I don't remember his name, just that I called him Roger. I don't think that was his real name, but the two of us had played a game where we make up names and he had ended up with Roger. He was really sweet and directed all his attention to me every time we talked. He seemed genuinely interested in me. He looked like Mike crossed with BJ Novak. We laughed about his crazy ex who would write on his windows about how she couldn't connect to his WiFi or something. It didn't register until later that he had been warning me that she would do that if she saw me, because he was interested. This guy really stole my heart, but Mike had my body. At least, he had it if he wanted it. Throughout the entire dream, Mike never even kissed me. It was like he claimed me because he wanted to, but I was just a puppy following her master.
A girl had gone up to Mike and hit on him, and I heard him invite her along and flirt with her. I was a tiny bit jealous, but the overwhelming emotion I had was one of not caring. It was like somehow I knew we weren't exclusive or something. I wanted to be, but if we weren't I couldn't force him to be. I think I knew that it just wasn't serious. So I turned back to Roger and we laughed and talked. People were getting ready to head out to go do whatever it was Mike had asked me to do, when Roger asked me if I wanted to stay and watch a movie or something. He may have even just outright asked me out. I don't seem to remember exactly what he had asked. But I know I was torn.
My options were Roger, this sweet guy I really connected with, or Mike, this fun, hot guy I lusted after. I wanted to stay with Roger but had already committed in some way to Mike. I felt giddy and excited about spending time with Roger, yet I had a loyalty and real want to also be beside Mike. Mike had brought me into his world and made me a part of it. I clung to a gift from him (a piece of sausage I think?) debating. I really did like Mike. I didn't want to lose him.
I knew both guys were waiting on me, and I found them in the bedroom, which was dark, both sitting/laying on a large bed. I stood between them at the foot of the bed and just broke. I said I couldn't decide between them. They were both awesome but any decision I made would hurt one of them more than likely, so I didn't choose. I laid down between them and stared at the ceiling.
Mike spoke up. He sat up and was working on his laptop, and said it wasn't a big deal. He said he was just gonna pull out of the choice to make it easier. Without ever looking at me, he said, "We have the book anyway." On his screen was the cover image of my children's book he was illustrating for me. I was grateful not to have to choose on my own, though I knew that was the choice I would have made anyway, and it did feel better knowing it was his choice so I felt like I hadn't really hurt him. I could tell by the vibe I got that he really was upset though, like he felt that things always happened this way for him. He was putting on this unfeeling front but inside he was hurt. In truth I was hurt too. I felt like he had never really cared, that I was just a toy he was done with, though I knew that wasn't true because we had never done anything.
Roger had been silent during that, and finally I looked into his eyes. He seemed very patient, like he was waiting for me to affirm that I chose him. I told him how he made me feel, and how Mike and I, we were friends. All we had really done was took out the trash. (To which Mike laughed, but it was true.) But Roger and I, we had taken out the past. We had talked about who we were and who we wanted to be. We connected. Roger and I got lost in each other for a few minutes, during which time Mike left to go with his friends.
We went to the living room, which was lit up, and Roger took his place on the couch. We both seemed happy. I was in a recliner. He told me he had a last name now (in our name game, he had never chosen a last name). He said what it was (I didn't hear it) then said Junior. I laughed and teased him about being a Junior, and moved over closer to sit beside him on the couch. He looked into my eyes and I felt that spark, that feeling that said I was where I was supposed to be, and he leaned over and kissed me.
It was amazing. Hours seemed to pass in those few seconds, and though only our lips touched, I felt like we were closer than I'd ever been to a person. When we finally separated he didn't even move. He looked lost in a daze, and all he could say was, "Wow." It was more like he had breathed it, it was barely audible. I told him I was sorry I didn't have more to offer, and he told me not to worry about it. He had everything we would need and he would take care of me now that I was by his side. I woke up as the dream version of me curled up to fall asleep in his arms.
