Uncomfortable Situations...

Okay so, last night I had about three dreams back to back. Two of them seemed to be related and ran together, though I know they were separate. The third one, I'm not sure how it tied in but it seemed like the natural progression of things.

In the first dream, I was helping out at a school organization; I'm not sure if it was supposed to be high school or middle school or even elementary school. It was kind of like a day to show off all the work the students had done thoughout the year, which is an elementary school tradition--but it was organized in posters and tables down this very confusing two-story maze of halls, which seemed more like a middle school thing--yet some of the friends I saw helping out were from high school.

Either way, we were showing off things that had clearly been done throughout our entire lives. Apparently I had volunteered to make lemonade and snacks for everyone helping out, because one of my friends asked me if we had any lemonade made up yet. I said yes, and that I'd go get her some. Another friend asked me to bring her a ham (I know, weird) and told me where I could find it. So I went off in search of lemonade and ham. Unfortunately, the hallways were extremely confusing. They zigzagged back and forth, and you had to travel down each hallway to get to the next, there was no connecting perpendicular hall. The halls at the very top and bottom of the layout also had stairwells at the ends to lead to different levels. It almost seemed like a video game progression, though I didn't think of that at the time.

I managed to get myself lost when I found an extra stairwell that led up to a convenience store. They had a full two rows of baked goods, and they looked SO GOOD. I realized I was wasting time staring at these breads, donuts, strudels, and danishes and that people were waiting for me. I took note of where I had entered to get here, and continued down the halls. I found the lemonade and was pouring a glass for my friend when a teacher from my elementary school (I think...) called for me from a nearby booth, just to let me know her and a few other teachers had found a drawing I had done and wanted to know if perhaps they could keep it as an example for future kids. I was glad to help out (and have less trash to take home with me) and the teachers will thrilled.

Just as I was turning back to head for the ham, the friend who had asked for it found me and wanted to know what was taking so long. I let her know I was a bit lost, and she helped me (down the very next hall, of course) and we got the ham for her, then returned the lemonade to our friend.

After that, we entered into the second dream. I had gone back up the stairwell and to the baked goods section of that convenience store. I knew I had my truck parked outside, and my girlfriend was back at home waiting for me with the kids (Okay so, I'm married to a guy in real life, so I can't quite explain how I knew it was a girlfriend waiting for me, and I have no idea how we had kids). I had a part time shift at this store, and I would probably end up spending a good chunk of my small paycheck on this food, but I didn't care because I was very hungry and for some reason was craving these foods.

I had to do some looking around though, because at one point one of the boxes of donuts said it was $100, another was $85... I knew that was ridiculous but in the dream it only felt like it was a little high, and  I was sure I could find a cheaper brand for maybe $60 or so.

I found an armful of baked deliciousness before I realized it, and it was getting way too late. It was probably around 1am, and my girlfriend would NOT be happy. Especially when the reason I was late was food. I managed to get to the checkout counter, waited in line for a good while, then finally made it out with lots less money and lots more reasons to work out. -___-

I walked outside with a few bags of food and got to my truck, sat down, shut the door, then noticed something wasn't right... my truck had been broken into! Nothing seemed to be stolen at first glance, but I knew there was a video game convention in town and my DS was in back... I checked to see that it was still there, as were all of my games for it... but I had an extension that snapped onto it, and it was missing. I wasn't sure if it had been taken or if I had left it at home, but either way I was a bit worried. Seeing nothing else missing, I started to drive off.

(This part of the dream I have had before...)
I pulled out onto the highway, in the only direction that could take me home, but there was a very dangerous game taking  place this night. The highway was surrounded by dense forests for miles, with small service roads to either side. Up and down the four lane highway, each lane going a different direction, were large vehicles with sharp blades spinning in front of them, and scythes jutting out to either side. They were not driving on the road but actually being zipped down huge cables above each lane, and moving very quickly. I was terrified, because I knew I could not outdrive these massive machines. I veered back into the service lane, and had to dodge a few oncoming vehicles who were about to get onto the life-threatening highway, laughing as they did so. I tried to drive back the other direction, but it would have taken me farther from home and closer to the unknown. I couldn't stay on the service road because it was now packed with people attempting to hop on the Highway of Death. I just sort of sat there, alone and confused and scared, not sure what I was supposed to do, still wary of the fact that my vehicle had been searched.

(Back to the new stuff that I haven't dreamed before...)
I started looking at the other cars and seeing that the people were starting to get out of their vehicles and be strapped into the death machines flying down the road, rather than driving their own vehicles in front of them. Most of them were golden or bronze, but I began to see ones painted in fanciful colors and images, even one painted like a ladybug! I realized that some of these were made for CHILDREN to get in. I couldn't believe anyone would let their kids get in one of those deathtraps... It just wasn't right! I knew I had no choice and no other way home, so I lined up with the others to be seated in one. Once I was strapped in, things changed.

Suddenly I wasn't racing in some killing machine but was in line for Christmas shopping. It was all done very methodically these days, where people strapped into seats and were slowly taken down the aisles of the store, with all the merchandise lined up on the walls within reach. As your chair passed the items, if you wanted them you grabbed them. At the end of the ride, you checked out, and I had picked up a bunch of toys for the kids and random other items that I don't quite remember... Someone commented on one of them though and I remember laughing about it. Anyways, though I don't remember making it home, I remember feeling much more safe and knowing that I would in fact make it home alright. And with food! =D

Then, somehow completely unrelated, I was having a third dream. It just happened, no break in between, just the blink of an eye and suddenly it was a completely different situation, completely different location, and completely different mindset, as if I had been in this third dream all along.

I was in a very well-to-do neighborhood, delivering some groceries to a friend's house. He wasn't home at the time, but his step-father was, as well as his younger brother. His brother was about 13 or so and was outside hanging with some friends. His stepfather let me into the house, and I knew where everything went so I started to put things away. His stepfather stood by and watched.

This man was a bit unnerving. He was very nice, he was very friendly, always had a smile for everyone and even when he was mad he was still quiet and calm. Eerily calm. He loved his wife, they had a wonderful little family, lots of money (though I don't know what he did for a living that paid for it all), and he welcomed everyone into his home if they needed something and always asked guests to stay for dinner.

While putting the groceries away, he started up some small talk, and we started laughing and such, very friendly conversations about nothing at all (weather, my friend, my friend's brother, etc). I was moving around the kitchen putting things in cabinets and pantries, and he started moving around the kitchen as well, very slowly getting a cup and getting ice and getting a drink, slowly managing his task to bring him closer to me. During our chat he reached a hand out and rested it on my shoulder, and in that instant, the moment he touched me, I became afraid. And I felt very uneasy.

He wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. He was following me around the kitchen, and he started grabbing at me, putting his arm around my waist and pulling me against him, running his fingers through my hair, grabbing a handful and pulling my head back so he could run his other hand down my neck... I was very scared of him now. He was suddenly forceful and rough, and I couldn't get away from him. I couldn't yell or scream or fight back, because of who he was. I knew in my heart that if I didn't do as he wanted, he would kill me.

I was still trying to avoid him though, as I put the rest of the groceries away. I was sliding out from his grasp to reach a cabinet, spinning around him to get to the fridge, pulling back to get to a drawer... yet still he followed, still he reached, still he had a hold on me. He whispered to me at one point that I would never get away from him, that he would have what he wanted when he wanted, no matter where I was. He said he enjoyed the feel of me in his own home, and I had to wonder how many other girls had been raped by him beneath his own roof.

I could hear my friend's little brother coming in the front door, and although I did not want to be caught in this position (I know how things would be turned around, and how I would get blamed) I did want an interruption so I could possibly escape this house and this terrifying man. His brother came in, started talking to us, and I was just putting away the bags from the groceries, and mentioned that it was about time I headed home. Naturally the man invited me to stay for dinner, and the welcoming smile on his face and the innocent friendliness with which he said it just floored me. He must have been a psychopath, there was no other way he could hide his emotion from his eyes as perfectly as he had. My friend's brother jumped right on board, begging me to stay for dinner. I really couldnt, I said, I had to get home... but I didn't think I had a choice. My friend's brother said there was something he wanted to show me in his room, and could I please come see it? It was really cool. So I sighed and said I would see what it was but then I had to get home...

We got up to his room and I should have known it would happen, it had to be something that ran in the family. He was acting just like his father (my friend's stepdad) and was starting to do the same things... beginning with locking the door behind us. Great, so in my attempt to be friendly and bring food over, I was going to get raped twice before I ever made it out the front door. And once by a 13 year old!

Luckily, I was able to wake up before anything REALLY bad happened. I'm afraid to go back to sleep, just in case I start right where it left off. But I doubt that will happen. Still, what a horrible thing to know is coming in a dream. So glad it wasn't real. =(

School Time!

Last night's dream was simple enough, and reminded me of how I used to be in High School. I know I should have pushed it out of my mind rather than thought further on it, but I couldn't stop myself.

It's too much like a personal warning.

So, here's my dream:

In the dream, I was going to school. I didn't seem to be younger again or anything, I was still 25 and still a part of everything that I have today (hubby, kids, etc.) and I'm not entirely sure what "grade" I was in... or if it was supposed to be at a college level... All I know is, it was school. I know it had at least two classes, too. Though I still can't be sure exactly what those classes were.

Anyways... so it starts out with me going to this school. I'm in class, and the teacher is talking and explaining out something... I believe it was near the end of the class, since what he/she seemed to be explaining was how to do the homework. I've always hated homework most days, mainly because it seemed useless (in my case at least, I understand there are people who needed it just to make sure they really did know what they were doing) and very rarely did I actually do my homework on time or even by myself ("sharing" was a normal thing on the bus ride to school). So naturally in a dream, I wasn't concentrating on the homework at all. I grabbed a bundle of homework supplies that I would need to complete it, shoved it in my backpack, and went to the next class.

The next class was much the same, except this one had a substitute teacher. He/she (I wasn't sure on either teacher if they were men or women) was explaining something we were supposed to write or think on for homework. I know it wasn't just something to think about because we WERE expected to turn in some sort of paper the next day. But it was also supposed to require quite a bit of thinking.

I took the bus home, just barely remembering to grab my backpack before getting off. But then I went about my normal life, as if school didn't even exist. The next morning, hubby's alarm went off and I remembered that I was supposed to turn in my non-existent homework that day. As usual, procrastination kicked me into overdrive and before I even got dressed for the day, I snatched up my backpack and pulled out every paper and bag--I didn't even know what the work was supposed to be!

Here's where it gets a bit creepy, and please excuse this part here, it's no reflection of anything that actually goes on in my conscious mind; I pulled out a handful of plastic bags, with handles that were meant to be separated and tied together. The image on the bag was instructions for how to put it on an animal's head and tie it tightly about their neck. I imagine this was directions for how to properly suffocate and then decapitate a creature. Once again this is nothing that would EVER go through my head in the real world and it shocked me both in and out of the dream. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with that bag, so I tossed it to the side for now and went to pull out paper and a pencil for the other assignment.

Until I looked at the clock. It was already three minutes until the half hour, and the bus would be arriving soon! I quickly got dressed and scooped up any homework-related items and shoved them all into my backpack, just to make sure I had them when I got to school. I could always get the work done at some point, I just had to make sure I was on that bus, otherwise it'd all be pointless.

I was worried though, because I never did my homework and I knew that this time, THIS time, would be different. This time would have some serious repercussions, and none of the teachers expected me to turn anything in anyways. I was disappointed in myself and was I hated the most was that during the overnight hours before falling asleep, the homework had run through my head, I had though of it and I had planned to do it, but just never got around to it. =(

Hubby's alarm went off in real life at this point and I snapped awake.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, here's what I think of all this. I believe that this dream was referring to the book I'm currently writing. Or at least, attempting to write. I've never written a book before... I have a good idea as to how, since I've read enough books to grasp the general concept, and when I was younger I did write 15 pages front and back of a story that I swore would be a book one day... but losing that notebook was a crushing blow to those dreams. To THESE dreams. My greatest hope is that one day I will have this trilogy in my head published--not just published but sold in a major bookstore, like Borders or Barnes and Noble--so that the whole world can experience this universe inside my head. So other people can meet the Great Dragon King as well and go on adventures with him.

But here's my problem. Never in my life have I been this committed to something. Never have I ever put this much effort into something. Never did I imagine that I would be working on turning this dream into a reality. And yet, here I am. Here I am, on this brand new laptop that hubby bought me to help me further my dreams and my amateur career. I don't want to let him down. Just as I don't want to let my teachers down in this dream.

I think this dream was my subconscious's way of expressing all my fears and doubts relating to this gigantic task I've assigned myself.

I want to write this book, but I never seem to have the time. Its expected to be completed at some point and I am afraid that I'm not going to have it done in a timely enough manner to satisfy those people around me who are expecting it.

But my REAL fears...

• I'm afraid I'm going to get writer's block. I'm worried that I'm going to get stuck, and that I'm not going to be able to finish writing this book, let alone this TRILOGY, and I'm terrified that I will have spent all this time for nothing, only to be forced to give up because I lost my drive and my vision.
• I'm afraid I'm going to butcher it. I'm scared that I'm going to be so overcome with my personal fears that I'm going to force myself to write faster than I otherwise would have on my own, and that I'm going to ruin the amazing storyline that I envisioned this would be. I'm afraid that this story is going to get messed up somehow, that halfway through it, the original thought process will be lost and that it's not going to make sense, or that the underlying basis of the story is going to be thrown off track and it's not going to measure out the way it's supposed to.
• I'm afraid that I'm going to spend all this time, all this energy, writing this book, only to not get it published. To find out that no one likes the story, no one wants to publish it, and worse, that no one wants to read it. The idea of putting yourself out there just to be shot down is more terrifying than the idea of not writing it at all.

But you see, I have to write this book. Dream or no dream, fears or no fears, this is what I am going to do with my life. Ever since I was a child, I've wanted to write. This "school" dream of mine was just the push from my subconscious, reminding me that I am, in fact, afraid. But I think I need to have these fears... because they save me from overconfidence, they save me from not thinking, and they save me from myself.